Ruminating thought

The daily chores that I do in the morning after everyone leaves the house is like therapy for me. 

My mind runs through so many things at the same time, but I try to focus on the layers beneath it. Mostly a reflection of the books I read and how it gives sense to things which were unclear before.

One of the things that came to my notice was shame. I realized that shame had such deep roots in everyone that it affects them in ways they don’t realize.

Their relationships, family and work. Everything is blamed on the other person or the situation. But going deeper I find that shame drives a person’s attitude, words, behavior and also, their lifestyle.

Shame is like a ‘driving force’ for many which is overcome (‘compensated’) as either ‘inferiority’ or ‘superiority’ complex.

I am still ruminating to see if emotions like anger, envy, jealousy also have shame as the base emotion.

Gremlins

I come to walk everyday at this park near our house. Most times, the mind is quiet but there are days when it talks non-stop.

At those times, it is the gremlins (as Dr. Brene Brown puts it) talking. Gremlins say things which make me scared, feel inadequate and hopeless.

They make me open LinkedIn and see what ‘other’ people are doing worthwhile in their lives and how they are progressing. They make me wonder where I am going with my degrees and all. They make me go to internshala website and then laugh at me because I don’t have “enough or right” skills. They make me nervous and jittery, when I apply for teaching positions at different places saying that I won’t be accepted because I don’t have 100% subject knowledge and there’d be others who are better than me.

Those same gremlins also make me overconfident about a certain thing that it most certainly seems like it will be jinxed and nothing positive will happen out of that  because I became overconfident.

Fighting with these gremlins is so tiresome. They feed on your vulnerability and fear. They shut up sometimes and leave you at peace. But strike back when you are least expecting them to strike.

Rising above these gremlins to realize my value, worth and purpose is a journey I have undertaken.

I hope I will surpass these gremlins one day.

Gremlins

I come to walk everyday at this park near our house. Most times, the mind is quiet but there are days when it talks non-stop.

At those times, it is the gremlins (as Dr. Brene Brown puts it) talking. Gremlins say things which make me scared, feel inadequate and hopeless.

They make me open LinkedIn and see what ‘other’ people are doing worthwhile in their lives and how they are progressing. They make me wonder where I am going with my degrees and all. They make me go to internshala website and then laugh at me because I don’t have “enough or right” skills. They make me nervous and jittery, when I apply for teaching positions at different places saying that I won’t be accepted because I don’t have 100% subject knowledge and there’d be others who are better than me.

Those same gremlins also make me overconfident about a certain thing that it most certainly seems like it will be jinxed and nothing positive will happen out of that  because I became overconfident.

Fighting with these gremlins is so tiresome. They feed on your vulnerability and fear. They shut up sometimes and leave you at peace. But strike back when you are least expecting them to strike.

Rising above these gremlins to realize my value, worth and purpose is a journey I have undertaken.

I hope I will surpass these gremlins one day.

Free spirit

I was always an advocate of free spirit, but practised it seldom.

As years went by, the idea of free spirit stuck with me but I couldn’t get myself to become untangled from the viscious grips of the world around.

As the battle to let open my free spirit went on, I trudged through life with a smile and mask on my face.

And one day, I just opened the lid to let my free spirit move around.

It was exhilarating and blissful.

Little did I know that, it was only for a brief period. I realized then free spirit was an eyewash.

You continue to struggle everyday to keep the free spirit alive. That sucks the energy out of your life completely.

You fight. You cry. You mourn.

The world remains as it is – critical; skeptical; weary; distrustful and discouraging.

That’s when I realized, free spirit is not being free but rather learning the ways to float and move on the waves of life with courage, compassion, commitment and love.

To do this, you need your faith, hope and patience.

And thus, you’d be the free spirit you envisioned. 

Birth, life and identity

Many of us don’t remember our birth. The bawling sound that we made as we entered this world, the way in which we kicked our legs and moved our arms around in the air. Yet, quietly calming down to the nipple of our mother. Sucking the nipple hungrily, noisely and loosely holding on, while listening to the rhythmic heartbeats…

We are only reminded of this later by our mother during many occasions in our lives. It may seem funny, happy or even, embarrassing moment to be recalled for some. But, it is fact which can never be changed.

In reality, we are truly born on the day when we form our own identity and become who we want or are meant to be. That process is accompanied by struggles. It is in those moments being comforted by our loved ones and friends with their support, respect, love and care; will take us an extra mile forward in life.

Death is inevitable for all of us. But being who we are and what we want to be is the key to making our life beautiful.

Midnight musings

It was past midnight as I stand by the window staring at the many lights in the houses across the building…
Roads are quiet below and I hear no voices… Just silhouettes of the people through windows…
I wonder what the lives of these people is like… Wonder what their stories are…
I wonder if they do things which the society demands of them.. Or they just do what makes them happy…
I wonder whether they thought about what happiness really means to them or are they deceiving themselves with materialistic, social and professional achievements as happiness…
I wonder if they are the ‘person’ they wished to be deep down inside, at least with the people they love and care… Or do they wear too many persona that they have lost themselves?
I realize that survival is important and that’s how the world is.
But to live the life fully is the challenge…
If you look into yourself and seek to find what you want to do truly for this life, you will find ways to appreciate life and its beautiful nuances…

You

As the sun shines on you, I look at you lovingly..
Rhythmic rise and fall of your bosom is my cue to count your heartbeats..
Even in your sleep, your face radiates the years of resilience which makes you who you are today..
Your eyebrows which speak volumes when you are angry and quiet, now speak of gentleness and love..
Your puckering lips which savor mine and taste like nectar makes me want to kiss you gently…
Your legs and hands sprawled over the bed makes me want to slowly tower over you and be engulfed in your strong embrace..
Your still fingers which do many magic things tempt me to kiss them gently and caress my throbbing heart..
What do you do to me, my love?
You make me face my worst and best..
You push me to test my own boundaries..
You make me love you so much..
Every fight, every misunderstanding, every unhappy moment has a reason..
That reason I realized now, my love, is that you are polishing me to become a beautiful diamond through every word and every action that you do..
Because, that’s how much you love me..
You have taught me courage and love..
You have taught me to look into myself through you..
I will rise above all.. Like a falcon..
Because I want to fly and soar the high skies.. With you..